An Overdue Apology [Windra]

[nineofswords]

The candidates had been attacked. By whers. It would've been terrifying under normal circumstances, but there'd been quite a lot of violence from whers around the Weyr of late, and Ronnie couldn't imagine that the candidates were taking it well. Retsuko especially. Ronnie had convinced Osk that she probably needed her space, but given all of the issues that had been happening surrounding whers, she decided it was time for Osk to make his apology to Retsuko. And doing so somewhere publically would do quite a lot to help matters, she felt.

She'd sent Retsuko a note letting her know she and her bonds would be outside of the candidate quarters after dark of she wanted to speak to them. If she didn't show, they'd know she wasn't ready yet and would let her be. But there they stood in the dark, Ronnie in one of her best gather dresses, and the white and brown bathed and oiled until they were practically metallic. Ronnie made a point of nodding and greeting anyone who passed by, her whers quiet and well behaved behind her, laying comfortably on the grass. Osk had a basket full of treats between his paws. Ronnie had sensed his feelings that words would not have been apology enough and so had put together a little basket of goodies for the candidate.

Personally, Osk thought an entire wherry freshly killed would've been a better gesture, but Ronnie had made these human treats herself, and he would've felt too guilty at letting all that effort on his behalf go to waste if he'd just gone with his original idea. If she accepted the basket, he'd leave a wherry for her outside the candidate's quarters. Maybe he'd ask for a card with the loopy scribbles on it, like the one Ronnie had put on the basket that apparently spelled out Retsuko's name. That way, no one would try to take it from her. He thought it strange that humans marked their territory with squiggles that bore no scent, but they often did things he couldn't begin to fathom. At least with Ronnie, she made an effort to explain sometimes, but it was all so damned confusing. Like trying to understand birds. He was far too old for it.

[Windra]

Long after dark, but Retsuko couldn't have expected anything more from a wherhandler. Their shifts ran the course of moonlight and only tapered when the sun peaked from its hiding quarters over the horizon. She didn't envy that schedule. Yet in the dark, it was easier to conceal things. Feelings, troubles ... so much easier to not explain the consternation on one's face when half the Weyr was asleep.

These nights were being spent a little more commonly in her parents' quarters rather than with the other candidates. Retsuko was in the midst of evaluating her life choices, namely her decision of becoming a candidate. Certainly the latest camping trip fiasco put her in a situation where she felt ... unworthy. There were quite a few angry at her, she was sure. A profound sense of lost respect when it came to her namesake.

It was obvious, to her, where whers stood with her. How could she expect to earn the kinship of a dragon?

When she received Ronnica's letter, Retsuko was met with crushing uncertainty. The rumor mill churned stories of the handler blood-bonding to the very brown that left her arm in a withered mess. That alluded to the knowledge that, perhaps, the angry brown had quelled his anger enough to seek clarity. But it gave Retsuko another reason to dodge the wherhandlers' quarters entrance as though the doorway was filled with stinging wasps.

Yet ...

Retsuko dawdled, fiddled her thumbs, paced until grooves presented themselves in the floor. Her parents' fire-lizards were the ones who gave her the gumption to make the potential meeting a real thing. Sprite and Geode were in the midst of a very private flight when Retsuko slunk from the room in common garb. Late fall presented with it a bite that unearthed at night. Not so cold that a jacket was required, but she slung an autumn-colored sweater over her clothes and tied a blue scarf about her neck.

The weyrbowl exit was only a few feet away. Retsuko gave pause, mentally pumping herself up. Her good hand clenched and unclenched - something she dared not copy with her wounded one. Second-degree burns from grabbing that blasted firelog to protect Knight from a charging bronze warranted the continued changing of bandages and applications of healing salve. Blisters finally receded, but the flesh was raw. As if the muscular distortion from having a chunk of missing arm wasn't enough.

"You can do this," she whispered to herself, squaring her shoulders. "He's ... got somebody now. You can ... do this ... "

But she felt her courage wane when the brown's shape materialized through the darkness. She knew of Ronica's little white - such a subtle creature. But the scarred behemoth that lay alongside her ...

There was something between his paws but Retsuko wasn't registering it. Her eyes locked onto the brown and she clung to the doorway, uttering a meek, "G-good evening," that required her to pull her pupils forcefully in Ronica's direction.

[nineofswords]

Ronnie almost missed the candidate until she heard the meek voice. Oh dear. The poor girl was far worse off than Ronica had feared. Perhaps it had been a mistake to let this matter sit for so long.

Ronnie dipped into a curtsey to greet Retsuko. "Good evening to you as well," she said.

Hello, Onisk called as well, her voice soft and kind. Osk just looked away.

"Please do not take Osk's silence personally," Ronnie told Retsuko. "Words do not come quite so easily to him. He doesn't even speak to me and Onisk, although we naturally understand his intentions and feelings quite plainly. He hopes you are well, as do the rest of us, and we appreciate you coming out at what is no doubt a late hour for you to come and meet with us."

Ronnie settled her skirts and clasped her hands in front of herself. "We heard about what happened on the camping trip, and we feel just awful that you had to be in a position like that, particularly after your unfortunate first encounter with Osk. Osk himself has been feeling quite guilty over the matter. I was the one who cautioned him to give you your space. I thought you might need some time and space to heal from the ordeal, both mentally and physically, but after what's happened...well, it seemed too cruel not to let Osk express his sympathies and apologies, in his own wordless way."

She nodded to Osk, and very slowly, he got to his feet. The basket of goodies had a handle, and he gently took that into his mouth and took a few slow, arthritic strides forward, stopping well short of the girl. Ronnie had choreographed this apology, and he wasn't about to deviate from it and scare the girl more than she already clearly was. He could practically smell the fear coming off her. He set the basket down and turned, limping back to Ronnie's side, laying back down with a grunt and putting his head between his paws, trying to look as small and unassuming as a wher possibly could.

"A gift for you, from all of us," Ronnie said. "Made by me, so they won't be quite up to the standards the cooks demand, but it was Osk who wanted to bring you food by way of apology. And Onisk added the most important ingrediant to any good treat, which is of course love." It was a joke that likely landed a bit flat, but Ronnie felt wrong not including Onisk in on any part of this when she was here too. The white didn't care, of course, but Ronnie wanted to do this right, dammit.

[Windra]

Ronica's words were not lost on her. Retsuko knew she meant well. Their whole interaction back during ... that incident wasn't terrible by any means. Ronica had tried - oh she had tried - to be supportive and leaderlike and it was actually quite endearing. If only the redhead had given pause before taking actions, becoming too bold and too brash and thus -

Osk was approaching.

Retsuko's mind was a whirl. That surrealistic sensation started knocking on the edge of her consciousness. Everything felt light. Weightless. A haze formed around her vision. Her breath, her heartbeat, it all felt so far away and really she felt like she needed to fall asleep right then and there.

"He felt ... guilty?"

Retsuko mouthed the words even as she flinched backwards. The brown's posture was no that of aggression. Gone was the snarling, frothing beast tangled in vines. He was quiet. 'Not good with words'. She held her breath when the basket dropped, not releasing it until Osk was well away next to Ronica once more.

She could smell the food. At this moment her stomach reminded her of the starvation she'd inflicted upon herself, too stressed to eat. It growled menacingly. Retsuko stepped forward slowly. She crossed the threshold, stared at the woven handle and the goodies within.

And then at Osk, silent and very ... small, rolling himself tightly.

A far cry from how he'd been before. The collar was gone, but the scars from where it remained, the marks across his body, brown stained with green tissue ... Retsuko moaned, holding her hand to her mouth.

"It's ... " She looked at the basket again. A ravenous need to tear into the goodies arose but that would wait until she got it back. Retsuko offered the faintest smile to Onisk, trying to not ignore her. And to Ronica. And Osk ... where her tiny smile wobbled and a knot formed in her throat. "It's ... really nice ... "

It wasn't all his fault. And Retsuko ... couldn't let it go, like this. She sucked in air. Then she stepped forward. Shakily. Her legs were positively trembling but with each step she recalled Mckenzie recounting about his unique partner and how strength was a requirement. Retsuko was a meek, mild-mannered girl. But if she kept sulking about ...

Every part of her all a-twitching, Retsuko stopped short before Osk. There were several feet between them this time around. She clasped her hands before her and bowed her head solemnly. A great wave of guilt washed over her.

"I'm ... I'm so sorry!" she blurted. Timidness shoved aside by that loud inner voice that raged raged raged. "I ... you were ... oh you were hurting and I thought if I ... got numbweed on you that it'd help and ... " Tears threatened, the choking sensation on her throat tightened. Retsuko swallowed it, staring intently at her own feet. And she dipped her shoulder forward, bowing do deeply with her hands against her hip that straggled of curled hair touched her knees. "I breached your personal space! And that was ... unacceptable. I'm so ... I'm so sorry!"

[nineofswords]

Ronica watched the situation closely when Osk was approaching Retsuko, looking for signs of additional stress in either the girl or the brown wher. Obviously this was a tense, delicate situation, but she was looking for sighs that either of that would try to lash out or run away. But neither did, and she let out a small exhale of relief.

Ronnie gave a single nod when Retsuko repeated the information. "Yes. Once he'd had a chance to calm down and reflect on the situation, he realized he'd lashed out and hurt someone quite badly when they were only trying to help. He felt terribly ashamed of himself."

Ronnie's serious expression softened some as Retsuko smiled at each of them in turn. "I'm glad you think so, my dear," she said in response to Retsuko calling it 'nice'. She watched carefully as Retsuko took some steps forward towards Osk. The wher was certainly tamer now, but he still didn't like being crowded, and if Retsuko tried to touch him without giving him proper warning, he might lash out again, stressed as he was; he was so very human in some ways, afraid of rejection just like so many other people were. But that fear was making him anxious, and when he was anxious he was a lot more likely to lash out.

But the girl only bowed in apology before the brown. Osk glanced up at Ronnie, his eyes awash in colors of confusion. Ronnie covered her mouth with a hand. She was not going to laugh at either of them, this was far too serious an occasion for that. As soon as she trusted her ability to keep her face under control, she lowered her hand.

"Osk is somewhat astounded that you are trying to take responsibility for his actions," she explained. "He understands now that you were only attempting to help him, but he is deeply ashamed he did not realize it then. He..." She cocked her head. "Sorry, his emotions are a bit jumbled up, as emotions tend to be." She clicked her tongue as she realized he was actually embarrassed that Ronnie was sharing his feelings with someone else. It was very sweet, in its way. Do not fret, my dear, I shall do my very best to protect your privacy as much as possible. But the young lady here deserves to know your feelings on the matter.

"Osk feels that you have nothing to apologize for. He..." Once more, she needed a moment to keep herself composed. "He wishes there were more he could do to make up for hurting you. In his mind, he has made it difficult for you to hunt for yourself, and so he feels it is his duty to hunt for you to make up for what he has done."

She would not laugh. She absolutely would not laugh at such a sweet, misguided view of how humans worked. She was very careful to shield the urge to laugh from him, to only let him know how admirable and sweet she found that instinct of his. Otherwise, he might either die of embarrassment or take a swipe at Ronnie herself.

[Windra]

Despite the anxiety that clouded her brain the moment she'd burst into the caverns, approaching the weyrbowl - despite the panging in her chest from the fearful heart or the aching in her arm's bones and screaming of the muscles that no longer existed there ... Retsuko felt something new and refreshing wash over her at the admissions laid bare before her. Osk was apologetic. What's more, he was wanting to make things right. Her fingers shook. Her breath held.

She stepped back to bite the overwhelming urge to hug the creature, both in repulsion and newfound wisdom from the consequences of previous actions. This didn't ... settle things. Not completely. There were whers out there who fully meant harm and death not due to the callous actions of humans before them. One death already haunted their midst.

Retsuko stepped backwards until the basket was alongside her feet again. Exhaling in a plume of warm air against the growing cold, the candidate leaned to check the contents - musing warmly at the obvious intervention from their handler, but more than this had been spurred by the old brown.

"This is ... really thoughtful, thank you." She suddenly felt ashamed for having brought such turmoil to the great brazen creature and appalled that he felt the same towards her. "Onisk and ... Osk." Retsuko levelled her eyes at him before blinking Ronnie's way. "I never would have imagined he would have come seeking you out at the wher. You must have really left an impression for him to come looking." Her brow furrowed now, a sorrowful frown replacing the tenderness as she clasped what was some kind of delightful-smelling sandwich in her good hand. "I've ... come to not really be sure if I would be fit for a dragon ... or wher ... "

Retsuko whispered that last part. Despite her proclamation during an earlier discussion with the other candidates, encountering Osk here and now was rekindling that want.

[nineofswords]

Ronnie was still watching things carefully, but she'd said what needed to be said, and so the rest was up to Retsuko. When the girl stepped back, there was a part of Ronnie that half suspected Retsuko would run straight back for the lower caverns. Ronnie wouldn't blame her. Honestly, it was a small miracle the girl had shown up at all. But Retsuko started examining the basket, and she couldn't help but feel a bit smug. Osk let out a few quiet sounds that might've been grumbles from anyone else, and it made Ronnie giggle.

Ronnie curtsied in acknowledgement of the girl's thanks. Osk bobbed his head in an approximation of a human nod. Onisk...well, she looked like she was staring at the stars and was no longer paying attention to the thread of the conversation. Ronnie smiled down at Osk when Retsuko pointed out how remarkable it was that he'd chosen her. "He's been alone for a long time," she said, her voice soft as she looked at the brown. "I think he liked that I had no fear of him when we were helping him, but he probably would've sought out a bond before too long."

Ronnie's heart squeezed in sympathy for Retsuko when she said she wasn't suitable for a dragon. She was far enough away that she didn't catch the part about the whers. "Don't say that, my dear," Ronnie said gently. "There are all kinds of dragons. You never know what sort of person any given hatchling will need. It's true that dragonriders are most often described as strong or brave, running headfirst into danger, but not all of them." She gestured to Onisk, who was still looking up at the stars. "Take this darling girl of me. She's not a dragon, true, but there are surely dragons like her, dragons who need someone patient and kind, who won't get mad at them for their quirks. Some dragons might find it helpful to have a rider who's known fear and pain and survived it. Some dragons want to have someone to protect and might seek out someone who'd be overlooked by more stereotypical dragons." She gestured at herself. "I mean, I'm hardly a typical wher candidate myself. A shallow socialite, daughter of a steward? I am hardly the sort of person you'd expect to get my hands dirty caring for a wher, let alone a cranky old one like Osk. But he chose me. I am certain that a bond will choose you as well, my dear, and if not, it will not be due to any unworthiness on your part. For what it's worth, I think it's incredibly brave of you to come see us tonight."

[Windra]

Retsuko swallowed. Faranth's sake, why did her throat suddenly feel so tight? Her head turned away at the hot liquid threatening the corners of her eyes. It would take a keen eye to spot the writhing of her lips, uncertain of whether to smile or frown or bawl.

Quit acting the fool, hissed her inner voice. Stand up straight and present yourself with some dignity!

"You're hardly shallow," Retsuko managed once she'd gained control of her contouring vocal chords. "You ... well, you knew what to do when he came and ... Oh ... " Yeah. Nope. Her eyes were blurry. The back of her bad hand hastened to her face but the river was already beginning to spring. Retsuko was brave. Retsuko was a coward. She was weak. She was strong. So many pivoting emotions playing tug-of-war in the light of what another person saw in her that it made both sides run shrieking into the shadows. "I ... th-thank you, Miss Ronica and ... " She started to say Osk, but that was it. Her bravery subsided into something weak-kneed and Retsuko scooped up the basket. "I need to ... um ... thank you for - for meeting me here and ah ... I have to go!"

Briefly her eyes beheld Osk once more. She wasn't ... sad, per se. And not frightened. But there was such a violent turbulence of different viewpoints clashing in her headspace that she could scarcely see past them. The big brown was old. Withered. And beautiful, all the same. She tried to project gratitude but it probably fell short.

Retsuko did, finally, scurry back into the lower caverns. Away from prying eyes. Not to the living quarters of her family - no, well past that. She stopped before the candidate barracks but there, too, felt unwelcome. Instead she found herself in the records room. Surrounded by the familiar scent of aging scrolls and the sight of the sand table, the fist clenched about her chest finally appeared to loosen.

What did it mean to be a candidate?

Would she matter something to a dragon?

Would ... a wher?

She needed to think.

[nineofswords]

Ronica gave Retsuko a sad smile. "I am terribly shallow," she disagreed. "I try to be kind to make up for it, but I haven't always been so." When the girl started to cry, she said, "Oh, dear..." She frantically tried to search for a handkerchief, but of course her dress did not have pockets and she hadn't thought to tuck one into her sleeve. After all, why should she need one?

But then the girl ran off.

Ronnie sighed. Osk looked up at her, uncertainly. Ronnie put a hand on his head, giving him a few comforting scratches. "I think that went as well as we can expect," she assured him. "Humans...sometimes when we're overwhelmed, we cry. It's not necessarily a bad thing. She thanked you. She took your gift. I think she's forgiven you, or at least gotten as close to that as she can right now." She smiled down at him. "You did good, Osk." She turned and scratched at Onisk's head. "You too, dear."

With what? Onisk asked, her attention finally coming back to the present.

Ronnie shook her head. "Never you mind, dear, it's not important. Alright, my darlings, you deserve a reward for being so well-behaved. What shall we do?"

Eat, Onisk suggested. After some thought, she added, And then nap.

Ronnie laughed. "Well, if that's what sounds good to the two of you, then so be it," she said. "Come along, then. Let's go." She gave one last look in the direction Retsuko had gone, and then bundled her whers off.