Hesitance

[Kitarial]

Candidate Bede

What was he even doing?

Truthfully, he didn’t know. The hatching had upended many things Bede had thought he knew, and came with life-altering words and a whole mess of confusion. The person Bede had thought he was… was he truly that person, though? Truthfully, he’d been left with far more questions than answers, and his mind was a mess, trying to make sense of it all. The person responsible for much of his confusion… they hadn’t really spoken since the hatching.

He wanted answers but he wasn’t sure if he should even ask. The drama of the hatching had been a lot, and Fujin and his new bonded were sure to be busy.

Maybe he should leave.

But… he didn’t want to. For all that he was still gathering the courage to knock on the door, he wanted to know Fujin better. Know why the other teen had said the things he had. Perhaps get some idea of what to do about it all. But to do that, he had to actually talk to Fujin. And thus, he stood in front of Fujin’s new weyrling quarters, trying to work up his nerve.

Burying his hands in his curls for a moment as a way to steady himself, Bede took a deep breath, in and out. He was sure he looked pitiful to anybody else in the area, hesitating like this… he could only hope Br’on and his egotistical green weren’t around. Bede’s pride wouldn’t survive the mocking that was likely to follow. From his shoulder, Silk nipped at him- a warning to stop his waffling, but gentle enough to not break skin.

Another breath then. And then, another. This went on for several minutes, before Bede could finally stand it no longer. If he hesitated any further, he’d never bring himself to talk to Fujin. With shaking hands, he finally reached out, knocking on the closed door.

[MothyCake]

Fujin had been studying when he heard the knocking on his door. There was a nice sunny spot where his young dragonet slept, curled up on the ground. However, the knocking awoke her. Slowly, Sativuth lifted her head up from where she had been napping, tilting her head a bit in confusion. It wasn't that Fujin didn't get guests, just, they rarely came by when he was in the middle of studying his notes. Fujin sighed a bit before standing up.

Slowly, he headed to his door and opened it, blinking as he saw Bede. He remembered him from the hatching, as they had shared a rather pleasant conversation with each other during it before Fujin impressed.

Though, he'd rather not think about his reaction to impressing.

"Oh, hey, Bede. What are you doing here?" He asked with a puzzled expression on his face. Sativuth slowly stood up, stretching her wings and body before making her way to the door. She sat near Fujin's feed, tilting her head at Bede.

"Oh, hello, Bede." She only knew the name since Fujin had said it, as Fujin was not one to share many memories as she had come to find out, "Do you want to come inside?" Quickly, the dragonet grabbed onto Fujin's pants, tugging on his leg so he could step back for Bede to come in.

"Hey, what are you doing." Fujin frowned before sighing. He looked at Bede, "Well, Sativuth seems to want you to come in. Come on." He stepped back from the door, allowing the other to come inside.

[Kitarial]

Candidate Bede

“Fujin, Sativuth, good to see you again,” Bede murmured, the polite greeting engraved into him even when distracted by his own thoughts. He didn’t say anything beyond that though, not yet. His posture was tense, and though he tried for a smile for Sativuth’s sake, it came out more like a grimace. Silk, on his shoulder, eyed Fujin warily before daintily taking flight to circle around Sativuth. She didn’t know Fujin, only that Bede was nervous to talk to him for some reason, and the flit was protective at the best of times.

Sativuth, though, was of interest, and the garnet made that quite clear even as Fujin stepped to the side to let Bede in. Bede hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath once more to steady himself. His hands were still shaking, but he adamantly avoided acknowledging his own nerves. He couldn’t hesitate forever, though, and ended up stepping into the room after a moment.

Sighing, the young man spoke up only after the door had been closed behind them. “I… have questions. About what you said to me at the hatching, among other things. Oh, where are my manners? The garnet flying around Sativuth is Silk, my flit. She’s been with me since I was a child,”

[MothyCake]

Fujin arched an eyebrow at the flit giving him a look before watching her fly off to fly around Sativuth. Sativuth looked at the flit curiously, sitting down in her sunny spot and watching the flit. Fujin did not own a flit, so she didn't really know what a flit was until Bede mentioned it.

Meanwhile, Fujin looked at Bede and nodded, "I see. Well, what did you want to ask about?" He wanted to get right to the point, as he was sure the other would have preferred that. He didn't want the other to think of him as rude, though. He was one of the few people Fujin tolerated, which was saying a lot as he was already not enjoying his weyrling class.

He made room beside his bed, patting a spot down beside him for Bede to sit down. Sativuth stretched a bit, laying her head down as she watched the two. She was glad Fujin was talking to someone, as she suspected he didn't like to talk to people in general. He always seemed so distant with the other weyrlings of his class and he seemed to avoid a couple of them specifically.

What a shame.

[Kitarial]

“You… told me I shouldn’t care what others think. That I should just focus on what I want. Do you even know how much you shook my entire worldview, even with just those simple words?” he asked, shaking his head as he joined Fujin in sitting down on the bed. “My mother… isn’t my birth mother. I was orphaned at birth, and raised communally until I was 10. When I was 10, Oleana came along and adopted me. She was the first adult to care about me enough to want to keep me, instead of shuffling me around all the time. She made me feel wanted, for the first time in my life. But then I was searched, and she came along to the Weyr with me. She fell for the searchrider, and started spending more time with him. I did some things I’m not proud of to try and get her attention…” and here, he trailed off for a moment, both to catch his breath and to let his words sink in.

“When she heard how I’d been acting, she was disgusted, she barely spoke to me anymore. Eventually, we stopped talking entirely. I think it’s been… 3 turns since I spoke to her properly. I stupidly thought that if I got a gold or bronze, something impressive enough, maybe I could get her to look at me again,” he confessed, eyes downcast. His hands were still shaking, though his voice was steady.

Silk, by Sativuth, settled down when the dragonet did, though she didn’t stay in the sunny patch.

“But what I really wanted to ask was… how can I possibly not care? Give up on the goal I’ve had my entire candidacy? How do YOU do it?”

[MothyCake]

Fujin listened to the other and the look in his eyes softened a bit. He had the opposite problem growing up. His mom had told him he'd never be a dragonrider and, when he had been searched, she didn't even offer a congratulations. Even their communication was very little, as she did not respond to his letters often. He just supposed she was busy with her own life, but he felt as if, well.. maybe she just didn't need him anymore.

However, it wasn't the time for that. Bede clearly needed his help. He moved to touch the other's shoulder and smiled faintly.

"Listen, sometimes, moms can be forsking pieces of shards." Sativuth lifted her head a bit, seeming to not enjoy Fujin's choice of words. "Hell, my own mom constantly told me I'd never be a dragonrider. Those are my.. most frequent memories." He sighed softly, looking away as he spoke, "I honestly think you should consider your own feelings. Even if you impress a bronze, there's a chance she'll still never talk to you again. It isn't your fault, though. You clearly just wanted her attention, from what I understand. However, it doesn't seem like she cares. That's why.."

Fujin looked back at Bede, "You start living for yourself. When you become a dragonrider, your family becomes your dragon. That's what matters- don't dwell on the past. Live for the future."

[Kitarial]

“I don’t know if I’ll ever stop wanting to try and win her affection back,” Bede admitted, voice uncharacteristically soft. “The worst part is, I don’t know why. I was searched when I was 15, so she’d only had me for 5 years. Silk has been a constant in my life for much longer,” he added, casting a fond but somewhat sad look at the garnet Firelizard, who’d found her own comfortable spot to lounge.

It was kind of pathetic, if he really thought about it. There was nobody he was close to after just about 5 turns of standing as a candidate, and he was sitting here pouring his heart out to a guy he’d barely spoken to until this last hatching. He let out a despairing noise at that- half snorting at his own expense, but also something sadder.

He tried not to lean into the gentle touch on his shoulder. How long had it been since he’d had a hug?

This conversation was getting depressing, though. “Please don’t tell anybody about this, by the way. Br’on would have a field day, and he’s already been annnoying enough lately. He locked his green in our room and she destroyed a bunch of my stuff,” he attempted to joke, though his delivery was still a bit weak.

[MothyCake]

Fujin rubbed the other's shoulder, continuing to speak, "Listen. Sometimes, parents aren't the best. I mean, my mom never thought I'd be a dragonrider and even encouraged me to give up on that dream. Well, look at me now." He chuckled a bit before moving a bit closer.

Soon, Bede would find himself in a hug, Fujin huffing a bit as he looked away. Sativuth seemed to chuckle in his mind, 'You seem a lot nicer when you're talking to someone like him. I wonder why~.' The green lightly teased before Fujin replied in his normal snarky attitude.

'Listen, I'm not completely heartless. He looked like he needed a hug and we're having a heart to heart here. Mind your own business.' All he got in response was another chuckle in his mind.

Fujin sighed a bit before looking at Bede, "I'm not going to tell anyone about this. Besides, I don't like the other weyrlings in my class. I'd rather not talk to any of them." He frowned a bit when he heard what Br'on did. He'd have to talk to Lexien or Louisa about that, as he was pretty sure that counted as neglect towards Br'on's dragon.

[Kitarial]

Bede’s eyes widened when he was pulled into a hug, stiffening unintentionally at the unexpected contact. His arms hung uselessly by his sides, and he thought for sure his mouth must have been gaping like a fish for a solid few seconds. Reddening, he didn’t move until Fujin pulled away, more awkward than he’d been in a long while.

He had to remind himself to close his mouth, though he was opening it again to muse seconds later. “Well, I think that’s what happened? I haven’t actually gone to yell at him for it yet so I’m not sure, but it was either his gold firelizard or his new green bonded. There’s definitely some claw marks in the things destroyed, and I’m going to be very annoyed if those things aren’t replaced. Some of us have standards for our looks, after all,” he sniffed dramatically, in an attempt to distract from how disgracefully he’d frozen over a simple hug.

He wasn’t going to acknowledge that it had actually been nice.

“Even though he’s moved out, he just had to be awful one last time. If he tries to blame it on Silk again…” he complained, and the garnet stood to attention at mention of her name. Realizing who her bonded was talking about, she let out an angry chirp, puffing her little body up. The human her human had to stay with was not her favorite.

[MothyCake]

Fujin let go silently, nodding as he listened to the other, "Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it was his green who did it. He literally tried to chase after a bronze dragonet claiming that it was his dragon. Like.. have some pride, right?" He chuckled lightly, which only grew into a snort as he saw Silk puff up.

"Wow, looks like she shares the same opinion that you do." Sativuth looked up at Silk, flicking her tail a bit before laying her head back down in her sunny spot. She enjoyed resting like this, listening to the two quietly.

Honestly, Fujin was glad he hadn't had any roommate issues with Kaelin. The two really didn't talk that much. Then again, when did Fujin talk to people often? Either way, Kaelin was a decent roommate who seemed to mind his own business and not annoy Fujin.

"Well, hopefully his green will teach him respect. It's going to be a bit of a headache having to deal with him in my weyrling year, especially as he'll probably still claim that bronze is his dragon and it was 'stolen from him'." He said the last part in air quotes, chuckling lightly.

[Kitarial]

“I can’t count out his gold, though. She’s also destroyed things before, and he always blames it on Silk. As if I’d let my Firelizard go untrained, honestly. I’ve had her for 13 turns, and she’s a proper lady! Also, were you really expecting Br’on of all people to have dignity?” Bede responded, able to laugh faintly at his beloved Silk. She was a good, loyal companion, and the best friend Bede could have asked for.

Bede did wince at the reminder Fujin still had to deal with Br’on. “She’ll teach him that his view of the so-called color hierarchy is wrong, but I don’t think respect is something we should hope for. Did you hear her declaration to the sands? She seems as bad as him, or at least just as arrogant,” he pointed out, grimacing. Better Fujin than Bede. It was disappointing to not impress again, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with Br’on any longer than it took to yell at him over the damaged items.

Sighing, the blond almost wanted to flop over and not move for a while. He refrained though, his image was already in tatters with Fujin as it was thanks to his own actions during their conversation.

[MothyCake]

Before Fujin could speak, Sativuth lifted her head again and spoke to the two of them, "Mesomelath has her own goals in mind. However, they don't bother me. One day, both her and her bonded will mature and calm down." At least, that was what the fellow green hoped, stretching a bit and rolling onto her back as she felt the sun warm up her hide.

Fujin chuckled a bit, shaking his head before looking back at Bede, "Relax. At least you won't be in the same weyrling class as him." Of course, Fujin was going to personally avoid the other unless Br'on spoke to him first. After all, he had little to no interest in making friends, no matter what Sativuth wanted.

Of course, it did feel nice talking to Bede..

He moved to flop onto his bed, looking at the other, "Honestly, I think our entire weyrling year is going to be dramatic. We literally had a dragon cause someone physical injuries to the point we needed the healers."