"It's chaos, confusion and wholly unworthy
Of feeding and it's wholly untrue
You may feel no purpose nor a point for existing
It's all just conjecture and gloom
And there may not be meaning, so find one and seize it"
- Achilles Come Down, Gang of Youths
BASICS
NAME: Haukka
GENDER: Male
PRONOUNS: He/Him/His
ORIENTATION: Panromantic asexual
BIRTHDATE: Late Spring 2759
AGE: 17 as of Late Winter 2776
LOCATION: Fort Weyr
OCCUPATION: Candidate
WING: N/A
APPEARANCE
EYES: Green
HAIR: Black
HEIGHT AND BUILD: 6'2", slightly chubby
PLAY-BY: Maethe Ellen Picrew Maker
EXPY SOURCE: N/A
FULL APPEARANCE:
Haukka is on the taller side, with a build that is best described as slightly pudgy. He's fairly athletic despite not particularly looking it. He has a square-shaped face with large green eyes, though he's often squinting slightly when looking at close-up objects while not wearing his spectacles, which he doesn't wear as often as he probably should. He has shaggy black hair that reaches around his chin and is in a perpetual state of slight messiness due to its waviness. He tends to look a bit younger than his age, though he'll catch up with himself eventually.
He has an extra pinky toe on his right foot which often makes it difficult to fit shoes on that foot. It doesn't otherwise affect him physically.
PERSONALITY
PERSONALITY:
Haukka is an outwardly cheerful, outgoing young man who hides his true feelings well. He wants to be chipper, so he makes himself act that way even when he doesn't feel particularly up to it. He wants to be friendly, so he presents himself as someone amiable, though he does remain somewhat distant. Haukka is the sort of person to have many acquaintances but few to no friends--he's convinced that bad things are bound to happen to his friends.
Though he has rarely been in a position to be aware of it, Haukka does extremely poorly under pressure, especially in dangerous situations where he could possibly be construed as being responsible for someone else's safety. He just shuts down and can't act at all, whether to help someone else or even in self-preservation. Even milder stressors he doesn't handle particularly well, silently worrying over them for days. The fact that he hides this tendency does him no favors, as appearing as upbeat as always means he cannot share whatever is burdening him.
He can be a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to almost any manner of knowledge, though he isn't actually particularly well-educated or knowledgeable despite his educated parents. He has the ability to act as though he's confident in what he's saying though, and can easily be construed as being correct so long as one isn't better-informed, which people often are. He likes to be in control of a situation but isn't really a natural leader, not actually good at directing others or even knowing whose talents are best suited to given tasks. If given a position of authority, it is likely to quickly become clear that he has been promoted above his skill level.
HISTORY
FAMILY:
Arclo, Father, Harper
Ghenna, Mother, Scribecrafter
Arshqqam, Older Sister (2756)
Gawx, Younger Brother (2761)
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: None
BIRTHPLACE: Minor hold beholden to Southern Boll
HISTORY:
Haukka was the second of three children born to a fairly well-off Crafter pair of parents at a minor hold. They weren't notably wealthy, but they didn't want for anything either. He grew up knowing little hardship save for occasionally not getting his way in games with his siblings and friends, which he was always good at making.
That changed when he was eleven. It was an innocent game of "Lord of the Boulder" between himself and his best friend, Gawx. The two were pushing and shoving each other as boisterous boys are wont to do. Haukka, who was by then just that little bit larger than his peers, pushed too hard. Gawx fell awkwardly. It was a short drop, but enough of one that an unlucky accident was enough to break his neck. And it was an accident, but it was enough for Haukka's other friends to turn on him—and for most of the rest of the small Hold to just barely tolerate him. Accidental or not, they couldn't help but see him as a killer, and a few people even quietly suggested that it hadn't been as unintentional as it appeared. They called it recklessness at the very least, reasoned that even in an accident one party can be demonstrably at fault.
His fault. He barely noticed that his other friends wanted nothing to do with him at first. He barely noticed much of anything for a time afterwards, the guilt and loss eating at him. When he did finally realize that things between himself and the others had changed, when he started to feel the isolation and loneliness, it seemed to be too late to change anyone's mind. He grew increasingly withdrawn, falling into a depression from which there seemed to be no escape. Even in sleep, he was haunted by nightmares.
His family noticed. They at least worried. They tried to encourage him, and so he started pretending. He could act as though he was all right, even if he wasn't. He could pretend that he wasn't bothered by the stares and the whispers. He started to spend more and more time outside the Hold save for when Threadfall was predicted, skipping lessons whenever he could. Ostensibly he was off gathering firewood or herbs but nobody seemed to notice or care what he actually accomplished.
Turns passed. Things did improve. Not in his social life, but he started to feel less hopeless. He got used to the isolation. He thought that would be his life until he finally found someone outside the Hold to marry, could go somewhere nobody knew him. The Searchrider was an unexpected wrinkle; her brown apparently saw potential in Haukka and, eager to get away from the memories that haunted him, he gladly accepted, departing for Fort Weyr.