Not Waiting [Arc]

[Fel]

Esther was dawdling over her dinner. She told herself it was just because she had nowhere else to be. That was true, but it wasn't the whole truth. She didn't have anywhere but her own weyr to be, but she had an egg--currently next to her on the table in a pot of warmed sand--that would hatch any day now to keep an eye on. She had straps to be maintaining, since she and Krugith would be returning to duty soon. The floor needed mopping.

You could admit why you're waiting around. At least to yourself. And me, the green suggested. She had enjoyed her own meal and returned to her ledge where the stone still retained some of the sun's warmth.

I'm not waiting for anyone.

Anyone?

Anything, Esther corrected, stabbing her fork into a piece of meat as if to prove that she wasn't waiting at all. She was just eating slowly. Hoping was stupid anyway. She should have learned that a long time ago. She had learned that a long time ago, it was just that some things seemed to tend to make her forget it.

The worst part was that she could feel that Krugith knew she wasn't being completely honest. Her dragon's amusement was a low bass rumble in the back of her head. She took another stubborn bite of her dinner. Not waiting. Not dawdling. Just in the dining hall later than usual, that was all.

[Arcane]

In her early days as a wherhandler, Relli had tried to awaken early enough to chase after the final rays of fleeting winter sunshine. She had been a wherhandler long enough now that the long winter nights no longer troubled her, but she remained an early riser by the standards of her profession and suspected she always would.

It wasn't uncommon for her to find a few dragonriders still lingering over the last of their dinner, when Relli came in to the Dining Hall for breakfast.

But it had been some time since she'd seen Esther there.

Relli's lips curved into a smile on their own and she filled her tray a little quicker than normal. Esther had already started eating. She might leave soon. And Relli had missed her company.

A familiarly shaped pot of sand sat next to Esther: A firelizard egg.

"Two voracious firelizards isn't enough for you?" Relli asked, with an amused smile, familiar with the antics of Esther's current companions, "May I join you?"

[Fel]

Esther gestured at the chair across from her in response to Relli's question. Company would be more than welcome. It was what she'd been hoping for, right?

She checked on the pot as the other woman sat down. "One of Little Monster's. She got possessive when I gave the others away. And then wanted nothing to do with it." Though a part of Esther had to admit that yes, she had been hoping for one that wasn't as... troublesome as Little Monster or Slip, the latter of whom was perched on her shoulder and greedily eyeing every bite of sausage she took.

"Hopefully less hungry than the other two though. But... How have you been? I know Threadfall has been..." Bad. The word was bad.

[Arcane]

Relli chuckled at Esther's story. She had never had a firelizard, but the story was a familiar one, all the same, "Like a child wanting a new canine. No matter how much pleading or how many promises pass their lips, the work will inevitably fall to you. Maybe she'll take more interest once it hatches. Do most firelizards have less of an instinct to care for their eggs than dragons or whers do?"

In Relli's experience, most dragons and whers only lost interest once the eggs were hatched. But firelizards weren't dragons and weren't whers. Relli had spent enough time around them to know that much, but not enough to understand all the details.

"Maybe you'll get lucky and this one'll be a steadying influence," Relli suggested, trying for optimism.

Relli's lips thinned as the talk turned to threadfall. It hadn't been an easy one for the weyr- they rarely were- but it was a fact of life at the weyr she had mostly gotten used to and come to terms with, "My squad ran into some issues with an errant boulder. We've had worse and everyone should recover, but I'll have a few new scars to wear and Rellivask's tail may never quite sit straight again. You?"

[Fel]

Esther glanced at where Little Monster was asleep at the edge of the table, having grown bored of watching vigilantly for any miniscule dropped crumb of food that she could take for herself. "Usually she doesn't care, she'll lay them in my bed and get mad when I don't hand them out to other people fast enough. I think she got possessive over this one out of spite."

It certainly wouldn't surprise her about the gold. The pudgy little fire lizard was the farthest thing from considerate; she did what she wanted, when she wanted. Esther was just glad that most of what she wanted was to sleep and eat.

She frowned at the idea that Relli had gained new scars. "I'm sorry that happened," she said, looking down at the table's surface. It wasn't right. Riders were supposed to prevent that sort of thing from happening. The fighting wings should have handled more of the Thread; even if the boulder wasn't directly their fault, surely the Thread burrows had weakened the soil below it. "And I'm... doing better now. Midair crash."

[Arcane]

Relli examined the firelizard egg. It looked much like every other firelizard egg, to her untrained eyes. It did sound like a very Little Monster breed of stubbornness, to decide to keep it simply because she could, "Dragon and wher mothers can sense things from their eggs, can't they? Maybe firelizard mothers can do the same and there was something about this one that seemed special or appealing to her." Relli could not imagine not finding all her children special, but firelizards were not humans. Their minds worked in curious ways.

Relli winced at the thought of dragons colliding in midair. Yes, fighting thread from the sky sounded far more terrifying than from the ground. A fall that ended only in her death was a fate out of Relli's worst nightmares, "It always amazes me how you dragonriders find the courage to take to the sky every Fall. I'm glad you're doing better. And Krugith?"

She looked over Esther as subtly as she could, to confirm she was truly alright. Her leg was bandaged, but Relli wasn't a trained enough healer to diagnose the cause. She didn't sound in pain when she spoke though and looked otherwise unharmed, which was remarkable, in its own way, after a midair crash of dragons.

Relli hoped they would both live to see the interval and know a few more turns without fear.

[Fel]

"It's not courage," Esther said with a quick shake of her head. "It's... I don't know. Not thinking about what might happen because someone has to protect what matters below."

And why not her? It had been her life for long enough now. She'd always known she was meant to protect; the danger was irrelevant. And better that she was in harms way than someone like Relli, who deserved to be safe.

I am well. I recovered faster than my rider has, Krugith answered for herself. She agreed with Esther's assessment though; they were simply meant to fight Thread. And I believe the word my rider is looking for is duty. Not courage; it's just duty.

Esther nodded slightly, looking across the table at Relli. She was a wherhandler, so she had to understand that sometimes... Sometimes things were done just because they had to be. "Besides, being on the ground seems worse. I know where the Thread is. Mostly. On the ground... it could be anywhere."

[Arcane]

"Duty" seemed inadequate to describe Esther's work. Duty was a holder paying the tithe. A daughter obeying her father. A wife staying true to her husband. It was such a simple, innocuous word to describe risking everything that mattered to protect everything that mattered.

But it also fit Esther and Krugith, who were not the sort to crave a heroes' welcome or immortality in a harper's songs. Being protectors were at the heart of who they were.

So Relli nodded, like who after all these years at the weyr did understand in her own way, "I imagine fewer boys would dream of dragons, if the harpers called it duty instead of glory. But I understand. You do it because you must. Tell Krugith I'm glad she's recovered."

But she shook her head at the idea of the ground being more dangerous, "Thread mostly stays in one place, down below. If you're careful and methodical...You can still get unlucky, but at least it feels like you're in control. A random gust of wind won't be the difference between life and death. And there isn't so far to fall, if a strap breaks or your wher loses her balance."

Relli took a sip of her soup and smiled grimly, "Maybe we just lose some of our fear over the turns, because we have to if we're going to keep going. A decade ago, I'd have thought you'd lost your head, if I tried to tell me I'd sitting here trying to rationalize why I'm not terrified going out mid-Fall with a flamethrower and a pair of whers."

[Fel]

"It takes a lot more than one strap failing for... Well, there's redundancies," Esther said, as though that somehow negated the fact that she and every other rider trusted their lives to some relatively thin pieces of leather every single Threadfall. To her it was just... normal and expected. It was, as she said, just what she had to do.

"And I don't think you would have. You're braver than you give yourself credit for, and I think it's likely you always have been." She knew Relli had once had the courage to leave her old life. That was more than brave, especially with multiple children in tow.

In the little pot of sand, the egg gave a sudden twitch.

[Arcane]

Esther's redundancies were the sorts of stories Relli had heard before in the weyr, the ones she told herself, every fall, as she followed drilled-in routines like protective rites. The things that they knew would protect them, and had to believe would be enough, even though they had lost friends who took all the right precautions.

"I'm glad you have redundancies. But I hope it's never your strap." She had given enough, for Pern and for the weyr. She deserved to live a long, healthy life.

And Relli would miss her, if someday they weren't enough.

"I wasn't always as brave as you think me. I wasn't brave enough for too long. But there are also different kinds of courage, I think," Relli said, "I'm not even always sure how much is courage and how much I'm just...desensitized. I know the formations by heart. I've tended the equipment for turns and probably trust it more than I ought. I've fought thread and been injured and survived and so the risks seem...familiar, I suppose."

A sudden movement caught her eye.

"Look, Esther. It's hatching," Relli said with a smile, not wanting Esther to miss the moment. Even if she had seen flits hatching before, she hadn't seen this flit hatch before.

[Fel]

Esther opened her mouth to speak, and then decided it was probably wiser not to tell Relli that her straps had failed once before, and that their failing had in fact saved her life. Though at the time it certainly hadn't felt like it. If anything, it had felt as though she'd been doomed to something far worse than just dying.

"I still think you're brave," she said instead, trying to banish those particular memories. Some things were better left in the past. "I'm sure that if things had been different and you'd been a rider, you would have been fine."

Her attention, however, was soon drawn by the egg. Now? But then yes, there it was, moving again. "Oh! Yes, I think it is."

[Arcane]

Relli smiled at Esther's unwavering faith, not quite sure what she had done to deserve it, "And I'm sure you'd have made a fine wherhandler- or whatever else you would have dreamed of being, if you weren't a dragonrider." Anyone tenacious enough to face thread again and again- even after experiencing all that Esther had- would always find her way.

But those were hypotheticals for another life. Here, a new firelizard was hatching.

"Anything special you're hoping before? Besides less trouble than your other two," Relli asked, keeping an eye on the egg, just in case anything went wrong.

[Fel]

"Less trouble would be... very, very preferable," Esther said with a glance over at the now-sleeping fire lizards. Apparently Little Monster had no interest in her egg now, of course. And Slip had never been interested in it in the first place. "But it shouldn't be a difficult bar to clear. They're... troublesome."

Or maybe that reflected more on her ability to train a fire lizard than anything. Maybe she was just a bad pet owner. It was definitely possible; she'd been more than a little distracted when both of them had hatched, and she'd never been patient before. Or particularly charismatic. Why would they listen to her?

"... What if they would have been different with better owners? What if I'm the problem?" she asked, suddenly uncertain as the egg shivered in its pot of sand. What if she caused a third fire lizard to turn out troubled, greedy and lazy and uncaring?

[Arcane]

"I doubt you're the problem. Far less competent people than you have trained firelizards. You raised Krugith too and she grew into a fine dragon. Upbringing can help mold us but it doesn't make us who we are, I think. Human siblings, dual whers, multiple firelizards, they're rarely identical," Relli assured Esther. She had never seen much of a pattern in the sort of people who had obedient and troublesome firelizards. And nothing about Esther would make Relli think she did a poor job of caring for or feeding hers, "You just got unlucky twice. Doesn't mean your third won't be different. And at least you know they feel comfortable enough around you to be trouble. They're fed and oiled and seem fond enough of you in your own way. I don't think you can control any more than that."

[Fel]

"Fond?" Esther asked, raising one eyebrow. Slip, maybe. But Little Monster? Never. The ornery gold was fond of nothing but food, and she was just a convenient source of it. Still, she supposed it was true that it wasn't as though they avoided her when she wasn't actively bribing them; they let her care for them.

In either case though, it was far too late for doubts and second thoughts, since there was a spiderwebbing of cracks spreading over the jittering egg, pieces of shell starting to flake away. With some effort, a fire lizard finally managed to heave himself out of the crumbling eggshell... and immediately started creeling for food.



"Oh..." she whispered, briefly dumbstruck. There was always something about hatchlings, regardless of species. She'd even gotten to see a wherlet once, and if those could somehow be cute...